Fridays can get me feeling forlorn. I am at the radio station from 6-10 am and then I usually come home tired from my increasingly late nights and early mornings and daunted by the thought of the next four days where I usually have very little planned. It can be tiresome to have so much time, especially time to myself.
I just came back inside after sitting, watching the sunset and smoking my pipe. The cold air and the tobacco make sitting by myself seem less oppressive. The subject of romantic relationships has been resurfacing in my life. Sometimes, when I watch the subtle changes in the color of the sky and the dark contrast of the solid colored trees, I think of how wonderful it would be to write someone love letters while I’m out here. However, I don’t feel like I’m called to be in a relationship. Certainly not this year, but probably also not for the next five years and perhaps not for the remainder of my life. A friend remarked that this was an odd thing to feel about my life and I guess if you feel your goal in life is to get married and have a family, this might be true. However, I feel remarkably content about this. Since it’s something I feel called to, I’ve accepted it. It’s like anything else about me I can’t really change; my height, my eye color, the subtle freckle I have on my lip. And once I’ve accepted it, like these other aspects, I’ve come to appreciate it. I may not be the most important person in anyone’s life, but that doesn’t mean I don’t have some beautiful friendships and a family that is sometimes shockingly functional and loving and open even as they are loud and challenging and hilarious. Of course I have moments where I lay in my bed, downtrodden over the thought that, at least for the imaginable future, I won’t have someone’s arms around me while I watch a movie on the couch or get to hold someone’s hand while we drive and talk or that I won’t hear someone say “I love you” and know they mean me and only me. But for every time I feel lonely, there is also a steady flow of assuredness in my future. I don’t mean to demean people who are in relationships (The very opposite, in fact. I think it’s wondrously beautiful to be in love and raise a family.), but perhaps the drive and resolution I find within myself when I consider the next five years of my life are comparable to the desire to get married and have children. Also, admittedly, the path on which I see myself in the near future isn’t the most “family-friendly.”
Of course, I accept that none of my plans are irreversibly set for me. I realize that worlds can change in a year as well as people. But for this moment, I am content with where I am, what I am doing, where I will be and what I will do.