I haven’t posted anything in a while because right now writing for a blog seems trivial. I would either be writing about inconsequential frivolities or using an inappropriate setting to inadequately address what’s actually foremost in my life right now. But I guess I’m in an age where facbook pictures might be the closest ties we have with someone and people use blogs to share what they’re experiencing on an intimate level.
This week I received news that a friend of mine passed away.
The news hit me harder than I ever thought news like that would. I’m still trying to understand and internalize that I’m just never going to see him again. Sometimes it feels like I swallowed a rock and it lodged itself in my sternum. Sometimes it feel like I swallowed a mound of rocks and then poured sand down my esophagus. Sometimes I actually feel ok. I laugh even. A lot of times I cry.
All of this feels incredibly personal to be talking about online, but I can’t write about anything else. I can’t tell you what else is going on in my life because this is what’s going on in my life. Everything else, for the moment, has become details. I’m sad. I’m going to be sad for a while, I don’t know how long. All of this is ok. All of this is natural, even if it hurts and hurts and then you feel better and then it hurts.
With the help of an incredibly generous family friend, I’m going to be able to attend the funeral services, which will be in Utah. I haven’t been entirely alone throughout this process, but I understand the importance of family like I’ve felt only once before in my life (April 2, 2004, if you wanna know the other time). I miss a lot of people right now, and I’m realizing what exactly a year or a life of service can mean. It’s not letting go of the people you love, it’s understanding that love extends much much farther than a measly 1500 miles.
In other aspects of my life, which all feel incredibly muted, classes are going well. I even got to lead groups of third and second graders on my own. And I made a really tasty meat loaf tonight. All of this is annoyingly unimportant to me, yet I am grateful for it all because it’s something normal to ground me and to occupy my thoughts for awhile.
I know I’m in a lot of people’s prayers and that means more to me than you might realize. Please pray for Zach’s family as well, as they need your love more than I do.
And maybe sometime soon, I’ll have a funny post again.