Apparently this blog will be viewed by the Social Justice Committee at MCP, my old high school, so I’d like to give a shout out to a bunch of teenagers I’ve either never met or knew when I was in middle school. Hey MCP! I hope you all take pride in your school. Like Athena from Zeus, Mission was sprung fully formed from the head of it’s father-Chuck Norris. Try not to take the Mission family for granted. It’s full of good people.
Now that I’m done giving nostalgic advice to high schoolers (oh wait, one more. Go to UC DAVIS! Ok, done for real now, carry on), I’d like to focus on the real topic for this post. Doubt. Basically a self-imposed obstacle we place on ourselves as we attempt to accomplish anything worth while. But an important obstacle, because the study of my doubts allows for some introspection on my motives, as well as my shortcomings and where I need to improve myself and my perspectives.
So what are my doubts today?
What if this was a colossal mistake? I keep hearing and thinking that what I’m doing is really good, and I’m going to make a difference in people’s lives, but how do we actually know that? What if that’s just sustained lies everybody keeps telling each other so we all feel better about ourselves? Or worse, what if the potential to actually create a positive change exists, but I just fall short of the challenge? What if I end this year just bored and frustrated and angry?
I’ve written on these feelings before, haven’t I? I keep visiting them because so far, my experience of actually being here has done little to alleviate my uncertainties.
Yesterday was both helpful and disconcerting. I set up the classroom in which I will be teaching. It felt really good to shape the room, feel a sense of ownership and think about how I’ll be using the space. It was probably the most positive connection I’ve felt with my job I’ve had to date. But then I remembered that this isn’t my classroom. I’m just an assistant. And so far, a lot of my actual job has been cleaning up other people’s messes. And I mean this literally. For example, I’m going to have an office and it is currently filled with junk, which is all over the floor and desk. It’s just frustrating. I really don’t want to organize supply closets. I’m going to take a moment and sound petty and snobby here, but I do not find the task of organizing messes to be challenging or interesting. It’s stupid and frustrating. Maybe if this were now MY supply closet, and I would then have control over it, I would be ok with that (mostly because I could just throw crap away). But again, it’s not mine. I don’t know how this teacher would like things organized. I don’t know what she’s planning on using. And I’m not writing the lesson plans for the year.
So…what if this year is a total waste of my time? What if I left people behind, possibly damaging relationships that were blossoming, for nothing? What if I miss my nephew’s first year of life with nothing to show for it?
The response may become my mantra for the year. Time. Will. Tell.
Patience, patience, patience. I think somebody really really really wanted me to learn patience.